No More Mr. Nice Guy

In case anyone is reading this that does not know me in "the real world," let me share a little something about myself: I am a friendly, congenial fellow, and I like to get along with just about anyone who isn't racist, prejudiced, or otherwise small-minded.

I have also been out-blogged, so far this year, by two brilliant mothers, an uber-talented bassist, and a ceramic owl. But, I digress...

In general, I think most people who know me would say that I am likable, if not downright nice. I feel confident in saying this because I have made a serious, conscious effort to be this way. There was a time in my life when this was not so easy for me but, I am happy to say, I am now predisposed toward the positive.

Lately, however, I've become acutely aware of just what an unforgiving bastard I can still be, once in a while. So far, this year has presented me with ample opportunities to look into this facet of my personality and, I have to say, I'm not proud.

Let's start with that fateful Saturday night. I was working behind the bar at the wine shop where my lovely wife waits tables. I get to go in whenever they need an extra body, and it's always a fun time. It's a bit of work, but the people are great and we laugh & sip good wine all night long. (Now that I think about it, that's hardly "work" at all.)

On this particular night, we had a huge party in the tasting room (our version of a party room, for seating larger parties comfortably). These were not the folks one typically finds at an upscale wine bistro. No, these folks seemed more likely to be found, on any given night, at a boot-scootin' country bar, or even a friendly neighborhood beer-'n-shot watering hole. One guy, for example, was seriously miffed because my wife (their server) couldn't bring him a plastic or Styrofoam cup that he could use as a spittoon. (We have neither plastic nor Styrofoam in the restaurant.) Karen managed to find him an empty 7-Up bottle, which he filled about half way during the course of the evening, and was kind enough to leave behind for her to dispose of. (No, I'm not kidding.)

This party also presented my wife with several additional challenges. First of all, there were so many people that we didn't have enough chairs to accommodate them, even after pulling empties from all over the restaurant. The room was packed elbow to elbow, with everyone milling around. Even Karen, an excellent, experienced server, had a difficult time keeping up with who ordered what, and how to serve the food.

Worst of all, many of the people in this party were just downright rude. By the end of the night, my beautiful wife was almost in tears.

I...was LIVID.

Several times throughout the night, when Karen would walk out of that room obviously shaken, I almost went back to the room and asked people to leave. What's that you ask? Am I allowed to do this? Nope - it would have cost me my cushy, enjoyable side-job, and possibly gotten me banned from the wine shop altogether. I didn't care. I wanted every person in that room to leave, and preferably meet a fiery death on the way home as a result of their own drunken driving. I'm not exaggerating - I was literally hoping for physical harm to befall these people. Especially the rude ones.

As fate would have it, after this particularly difficult Saturday evening, Karen and I also came home to - drum roll please - her parents. Yes, my in-laws were in town. Her mother had been here since Thursday and her dad came in that night while we were at work. Now, when Karen's mother is in town, Karen is literally baby-sitting her the entire time, and it's very stressful. Her mother is deaf which, in and of itself, is not the problem. Deaf culture however, is a subject for another post (or two or three) and, while Karen smiles through it all, these visits are never relaxing. Coming home to any guests, to be sure, is less than ideal after a tough night like Karen had, when she really just needed to walk in, plop down, and unwind.

When I first started dating Karen, and for many years into our marriage, I got along with everyone in her family. Now - not so much. I won't air our dirty laundry in public, and there is no possible way for me to abbreviate the history that has led to the tension between us, but...things have happened. Despite my efforts to "be nice," I just can't seem to forgive these things and put it all behind me. Even knowing how much it bothers Karen (for whom I'd do anything), I cannot muster the will to make that happen.

So, I'm left wondering: How many other people have made such a determined effort to become a better person? I would hope that most people don't have to. I know that, for my friends, the best things about them do not seem manufactured or forced. They're great people, and they make me want to be a better person. Still, as hard as I've "worked on myself," I can't seem to get past this...spiteful, vindictive inability to forgive. Why?

I've finally figured it out: I can forgive anyone who wrongs me. I cannot, however, forgive those who wrong the people I love.

Hey...maybe I'm not so ashamed by that, after all.

On Cloud '09

As I begin typing this, it's about 2:15 in the morning on January 1, 2009. I have just finished doing a little bit of clean-up after one of the most relaxing, enjoyable New Year's Eve celebrations I have ever experienced. I'm sure I'll finish this later today, after I've had some rest (mostly because I never post anything without re-reading and re-writing it a few times). Still, I will post this by the end of the day, as one of my resolutions is to blog more frequently.

Before the party started, as K-Sue and I were making final preparations, we paused for a private moment to thank one another for "being there" throughout the past year. In truth, '08 was not an easy year for us. I won't bore you all with details, but suffice it to say that we are glad to see it come to an end. Still, I have always believed that some good can be gleaned from even the most dire of situations, so I thought I'd share some of my favorite things about 2008:

I would be remiss without first mentioning the friends in our lives that have helped us through twelve tough months. Some friendships have been tested during this past year, and are all-the-stronger for it; true friends, the family we choose, find their way through tough times and conflict because they know the worth of that connection. That kind of love of is almost tangible and, in my mind, possibly the very best thing about the human condition.

New friendships have been born, and with them comes the promise of happier times ahead. For me, it's very self-affirming to know that people I respect and admire want to spend time with me. After all, these people could be in the company of anyone they choose. They choose me. That makes me happy, and gives me hope for a better self.

I'm happy that 2008 is also the year that the real "moral majority" in the United States made its voice heard. We elected a president that truly represents our potential. He spoke of change and hope in a way that, arguably, has not been heard since JFK. He had the audacity to say the things that needed to be said, no matter how trite, bold, or impertinent they may sound. He spoke of having faith, not in him, but in ourselves, to make things better.

I am happy, in a strange way, that my children are growing up - because of who they are becoming. Of course, all parents understand this strange conundrum. We all want our kids to stay young forever, but we know that our job is to help them grow. Watching my two ladies blossom over the past year has been.....humbling. I can hardly fathom their potential for greatness, and yet I must find ways to convey it to them. How do I explain to a 14- and a 10-year-old that which I do not fully understand? I can't do it with words, so I must resolve to do it through my actions. I will treat them with the respect and love that will send the right message. It's the only way I know.

I know it's not interesting or titillating, but I'm happy to have my job. In today's economy, I am about as safe as one can be, and I am grateful for the chain of events that lead me here. Yes, I work hard to make my employers happy, but there's more to it than that. I'm just plain lucky to be where I am right now, and I know that a lot of smart, hard-working people are not as fortunate as I.

Of course, my favorite things about 2008 is that I spent the year married to the best woman I know. She found me long ago in a cheap record store, took me in, and believed in me in a way I had never known. Anyone who knows me now may be hard-pressed to believe the person I once was, but she saw in me the potential to live a better life. That is a testament to the goodness of her heart and soul. I cannot imagine a life without her.

I wonder why we make such a big deal of celebrating the new year. Is it just another excuse to get together with friends and enjoy good food and libations? Certainly, we've had enough of that recently with both Thanksgiving and Christma-Hanu-Kwanza-Ka. No, I can only imagine that we are hoping to set the tone for the coming months. By welcoming the new year with festivity and celebration, we are making a statement: No matter what the past year brought, we will not stop working toward better things. Twelve months, no matter how difficult, cannot dampen our spirits or break our will. Better times are ahead, and we will not be denied.

My hope for you all is that 2009 is a banner year in every way, bringing you prosperity, friendship, and love. And if I get to share in that, or even have a hand in making it happen, my year will be even better.

An All-Inclusive Trip to Washington D.C.

Much ado is being made about the fact that Pastor Rick Warren is speaking at President-elect Obama's inauguration. Warren has long been vehemently opposed to gay rights, and homosexuality in general. Cries from gay and lesbian Americans, and those who support them, are being heard far and wide. 'How could Obama, who claims to be a supporter of gay rights (albeit not marriage, for some reason) invite someone to his inaugural podium who expresses such contrasting views?'

REALLY?!?! Have you NOT been paying attention?!?

Obama has always been about Americans coming together; all Americans. His clearly-stated message is that we can make great strides by concentrating on our common beliefs, rather than our differences. Isn't that the very mantra that rallied millions to campaign so hard for him in the first place?

We're all a bit tired of hearing about partisanship and "politics as usual". These, however, are valid euphemisms for the way past administrations have played the games of favoritism and exclusion. Seldom would either party concede that the other had any valid points when it wasn't necessary or self-serving. That's old-school politics at it's worst; the party in power gets the voice in government, and the other gets to gripe about it on TV news and talk shows. Now, Obama is changing that, as promised - and you're surprised?

One of my favorite, infinitely-quotable people, the late Thomas Paine, said it best, "He that would make his own liberty secure must guard even his enemy from oppression; for if he violates this duty he establishes a precedent that will extend to himself."

The 'we' in 'yes we can' is bigger than just dems, or even liberals. For once, it seems, a president is actually intent on serving an entire nation. If you have a problem with that, I'm afraid you may be in for a bumpy ride for the next four years....at least.

Marco.....

Remember the olden days, when anyone who used a computer regularly was a geek or a nerd? Remember that? And, remember when being a computer geek meant spending huge chunks of time sitting alone in a dark room, basking in the glow of a CRT monitor? My, how times have changed.

Technology today has gotten downright sexy, and continues to grow faster and cheaper at breakneck speed. For just a few hundred bucks, anyone can own a laptop or netbook that is perfectly suited for web surfing, emailing, word processing, and even light gaming. Gone, too, are the days of being tethered to a phone line or a cable modem. The Internet is almost anywhere we want to go.

This is old news, right? Well, maybe, but have you noticed the impact this is having on society? Portability and affordability have spawned accessibility, and more and more people are taking their computers everywhere. More importantly, though, are the ways in which we are using them. It’s not all about surfing for news and shopping any more. Thanks to “social sites,” we are actually using our computers to bring us closer together.

Possibly the most glaring example of the social web phenomenon is Facebook. I know it’s been around for a while, but I only recently signed up. Yes, I admit that I was leery at first; for me this decision was all about security, not technology. I simply wasn’t sure I wanted to “put myself out there,” much less post pictures of my family. So I signed up, but at first posted no pics, no info, just my name. I’ve slowly become more comfortable since no one has, thus far, stolen my identity or burned a cross on my lawn. But, do you know what has happened? I’ve found people...

I found my oldest friend, with whom I’ve been through thick and thin since seventh grade. We’d fallen out of touch, and neither of us can remember why, but it doesn’t matter. We’re back.

I found my rabbi from high school, who was (is!) so cool, and who I admired so much, that I almost decided to become a rabbi, myself. I never enjoyed my religion so much as when he and I were talking about it, relating it to real life, making ancient text relative and vital in modern times.

I found an old friend with whom I haven’t spoken in about 15 years, since before my oldest child could walk. His job breezed him into our lives, and then away, at a time when keeping in touch was not as easy as it is today.

That’s right, through my computer and the Internet, I have renewed and rekindled some of the most meaningful relationships from my past. Some may wonder how important these people could be to me if we’d been out of touch so long. The fact is that they’re VERY important, even more so now that I realize how much I’ve missed them. That they are equally as happy about our reunion means the world to me.

Never before has it been so easy to maintain meaningful relationships with people all over the world. In these hectic times when my job and my kids have replaced any respectable semblance of a real-world social life, it is technology that keeps me up to date on the most important people in my life - or at least the ones who don't live in my house.

Forget hunkering over a huge computer in a dark, companionless room. The Internet has left the house, jumped the fence, and emerged into the light of day. Of course, this does mean that any whack-job with an ISP can post crap on the web. But for every thousand whack-jobs I encounter, I also find a genuine friendship or two. That is, most definitely, good enough for me.

Maiden Voyage

The old copy of Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary on my desk offers several definitions for pragmatism. One is "a practical approach to problems and affairs." I like this particular definition very much, because it leaves so much room for interpretation. After all, what is practical to one person may seem cold, odd, or even frivolous to another.

Herein lies a most human problem: Two people, both seeking a pragmatic resolution to the same issue, can arrive at very different conclusions. So, while pragmatism may be widely practiced, it is hardly consistent.

I've decided to blog for a lot of reasons. First of all, I like words. I like them written, typed, spoken, sung aloud, served up just about any way at all, as long as they make me think. I used to do a great deal of writing, but I just can't seem to make time for that these days. Since I spend so many hours each day at my computer and hardly any with pen in hand, this just makes sense.

Also, I want to be a voice of pragmatic optimism. I believe we can - and should - take a practical, calculated approach to life's problems, while still remaining hopeful for the best possible outcome.

It's not that I think my posts will be so witty or insightful that everyone should read them. Nor do I feel compelled (or qualified) to set the world right. I simply like reading what others post and hope that some may enjoy this, as well.

And, if you don't, that's OK. I'm pragmatic enough to understand, and optimistic enough to hope that, some day, you just might.